Parents, Teens and Drugs: The Conversation II

By RICHARD ZWOLINSKI, LMHC, CASAC
     EDITED BY I, PRAETORIAN AND A HOST OF OTHERS (PERSONALITIES)
as with the first of these important conversations, I felt it necessary to edit out the references to "steve." as it turns out steve manufactures home drug tests. the interview seemed a bit pandering although I believe very strongly in the need for parents to take the early drug use by their children as a more serious threat than Many seem to want to believe. Testing SHOULD play a role under some circumstances.
Another problem is that many adults are chronic marijuana users themselves and feel HYPOCRITICAL to the point of denial. Many would rather lessen the illegal drug as a problem than admit that they had a problem.


For starters, my experience shows that many drug-related crimes are seriously under-reported when they occur in middle, upper-middle and even upper-class communities. Generally it’s because the victim and the perpetrator know each other or are even related. No one wants to turn in their neighbor’s kid, their own mom or husband, their best friend or members of their daughter’s lacrosse team. 
I am reminded of a good friend of mine during my late teens through my early 30s. Although she did not smoke marijuana she was friends with several older teenagers who did. An older young man from the next street over who was very high at the time, came over and found her at home alone and proceeded to rape my friend. She was 15 at the time. She did not report the crime for fear that her three brothers would kill the young man and most likely they would've. This is a simple but very tragic example of how drug related crime goes under reported in middle and upper middle-class neighborhoods.

Parents, Teens and Drugs: The Conversation II

If you don’t want to be convinced that even “flirting” with drug use is potentially hazardous, you won’t be convinced. What I can tell you is that the data tell a different story.


Prescription medication abuse and addiction are such a serious problem that new medications and treatments are being developed all the time. It is quite a challenge to help people get off these drugs, especially since the withdrawal symptoms are pretty uncomfortable. People’s marriages and family relationships really suffer when a family member is just hanging on until their latest prescription can be filled. How many parents really want their kids “experimenting” on the weekends with oxyocodone, codeine, vicodin, or other medications?


What about ecstasy? Cocaine? What about crack? Heroin? Which one of these would be okay for your kids to experiment with? What would be the cut-off point? Would one line of coke be okay or six lines? What if they liked ecstasy so much that they decided to use it two or three times a months, but only on weekends?


Would you be okay with your child doing opium or LSD? What kind of environment would be “safe” for your son or daughter to hallucinate in? Would you be willing to be there in case they had a bad trip?


What about them using marijuana, which some people believe is safe because it is natural? Tobacco, poison ivy, and the ebola virus are also natural, by the way. Pot use can not only can lead to dependency, but can damage brain cells, cause serious lung disorders, trigger extreme paranoia and anxiety, and create such common and all-consuming apathy that kids have no ambition to pursue their life goals. And yes, it is a gateway drug. As much as I might have argued as a teenager the truth is exactly that. Anyone who has worked with or around recovering addicts understand that the vast majority started at a young age with pot. The people who say it isn’t simply don’t have the facts. Go to any addiction treatment center in America and ask the people who work there and the clients who are in recovery if smoking pot once or twice a week is safe.


What is a reasonable pot budget for your teen to have? Would it be okay for him or her to take money from college funds and use it to buy pot? Would it be okay for them to spend the money they saved for a trip to Europe to spend on pot? Would it be okay if they money that might have been spent on tickets to a ball game or even donating to a charity? Would you be okay with them using the money you earn, i.e., their allowance money?


Where should your son or daughter go to buy pot? What would be okay with you? How much time would you like to see your kid spend smoking pot? Getting and staying high?

Would you let your teen drive drunk? What about high? Most people couldn’t pass a driving test while drunk or high—they’d never show up for the exam in that condition. Why do so many insist it’s just fine to drive that way?
If you have a supportive, healthy family structure (even if you have problems—everyone has problems), your pre-teens and even your teens will trust you and want to talk to you about many topics. Despite the generation gap portrayed in popular media, many teens do in fact turn to their parents for advice. A surprising number of kids also do feel comfortable asking their parents about very serious issues including drug use.


If you have serious problems and rocky relationships with your pre-teens and teens, and I agree many of us do, if they live with you, you still can repair and reconnect with them. Counseling may help.


If you suspect your children are doing drugs, don’t go in there like gangbusters. Unless you regularly have open conversations with your kids, confrontation could lead to arguments.


If the signs of drug use are there (see the post, The Seven Signs Your Kids Might Be Doing Drugs), call an addiction counselor or other qualified health care professional, treatment center, call one of the many hot-lines or see Disenfranchised-Help and Hope for more options. Discuss your concerns with someone. Ask them for advice on how to handle your particular family situation. Asking your child to take a drug test might not be easy, but it might literally save his/her life and the lives of others.

Related Posts

• Seven Signs Your Kids Might Be Doing Drugs
• Parents, Teens and Drugs: The Conversation Part I
• You Were Right Mom. Drugs and Alcohol Can Make Me “Psycho”
• Drug Abuse, Depression and Suicide
• Job Stress And Partying Can Lead to Mental Health Issues
• Proposition 19: Should Marijuana be Legalized? Poll
• Helping Pillbillies Stop Using Hillbilly Heroin: Dr. Bryan Wood and Suboxone
• Double Trouble: Mental Illness and Addiction, Part 1
• Should Parents Drug-test Their Teens?
• Five Ways Parents Can Fight Facebook Depression

Online Cheating Usually Leads to Physical Encounters

By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor

Edited by I, Praetorian MA, PPS, STD, XYZ, July 14, 2011

With the downfall of former Rep. Anthony D. Weiner (D-NY) for sending lewd photos of himself online, it may not shock many to know that virtual infidelity over the Internet or with cellphones is typically the first step toward the ultimate goal of real-life cheating.

That is, although sex and infidelity are now only a keyboard away, at the end of the day, there is no substitute for physical, face-to-face contact in our sexual relationships, according to a new study.

Drs. Diane Kholos Wysocki and Cheryl Childers, both sociologists, investigated the behaviors of infidelity on the Internet and sexting — sending sexually explicit text messages and photographs via email or cellphone.

Their findings are published online in the journal Sexuality & Culture.

According to experts, the Internet is now where the majority of people go to find sex partners. And at the same time, the Internet has made infidelity much easier.

In order to explore both sexting and infidelity and understand how people use the Internet to find sexual partners, Kholos Wysocki and Childers placed a survey on a website aimed at married people looking for sexual partners outside their marriage (AshleyMadison).

A total of 5,187 adults answered questions about Internet use, sexual behaviors, and feelings about sexual behaviors on the Internet. The authors were particularly interested in aspects of sexting, cheating online, and cheating in real life.

The survey revealed the following results: Women were more likely than men to engage in sexting behaviors. Over two-thirds of the respondents had cheated online while in a serious relationship and over three-quarters had cheated in real life.

Women and men were just as likely to have cheated both online and in real life while in a serious real-life relationship. In addition, older men were more likely than younger men to cheat in real life.

Saliently, Kholos Wysocki and Childers found that respondents were more interested in finding real-life partners, both for dating and for sexual encounters, than online-only partners.

“Our research suggests that as technology changes, the way people find each other and the way they attract a potential partner also changes. While social networking sites are increasingly being used for social contact, people continue to be more interested in real-life partners, rather than online partners,” the authors said. 

“It seems that, at some point in a relationship, we need the physical, face-to-face contact. Part of the reason for this may be that, ultimately, humans are social creatures.”

Source: Springer

Teach Your Children Well...

Secondary Intervention

In the previous blog posting, we discussed the primary behavioral supports. This time, let’s think about the secondary prevention strategies you utilize, These are defined as specialized group systems for students with at-risk behavior. This targets approximately 15–20% percent of the school population as groups showing at-risk behaviors.




Secondary interventions rest on the first level of primary prevention, school-wide and classroom systems. Without school-wide prevention, we can't reliably identify students in need of targeted interventions. These systems must be in place and used consistently and with fidelity by all staff.


Secondary interventions can be effective in working with this at-risk group of students. Approximately 10–15% of students will respond to the targeted group interventions. Tier 2 small group interventions are strategies and procedures put into place to support a group of students who display similar needs or deficits as identified through the data. These interventions may include:


• Check, Connect, and Expect—This intervention provides for systematic and frequent reinforcement and encouragement for positive behaviors by the staff so that the individual receives high rates of immediate feedback.
• Mentoring—This may be done by staff or peers.
• Coaching.
• Daily progress reports.
• Self-management training—Social stories may be helpful here.
• Social Skills Club—This can benefit all students.
• Student Check In-Check Out in a feedback loop with teachers and parents.
• Ticket/token systems that serve as incentives for and recognize demonstration of pro-social behaviors.


It’s important to consider how to customize our strategies in order to be culturally competent, student-centered, and age-appropriate. Strategies for pre-kindergarteners in an elementary building wouldn’t look or sound like the applications used on a high-school campus.


What are your thoughts on these connections? What kinds of things are you doing for secondary prevention? Do you have success stories with the examples above? With others?

The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC)

The Sound A Child Makes When Sexually Assaulted Is Often Silence The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) has been fighting child sexual exploitation for more than 20 years. Yet for millions of families, we're only known for our work in finding missing children. Many families who need our services aren't aware of our resources to help. Which is why we've launched a national campaign to raise awareness about NCMEC's vital role in this battle. Campaign Overview The Family's Story Resources Get Involved  Reference List John Walsh Radio Release This advertisement is one in a series of eleven ads that focus on the many types of child sexual exploitation and the devastating effects on the victims and their families. Download this Ad  See all ads in the series Reprint Policy We're Here Because They're Out There

Parents, Teens and Drugs: The Conversation I

By RICHARD ZWOLINSKI, LMHC, CASAC
Edited by myself: I, Praetorian -MA, PPS, STD, WTF


Once again I would like to remind the reader that I have capriciously edited this peice mostly due to the references to the following gentleman Steve Stahovich of Teensavers, who manufactures and sells home testing kits. I believe that this otherwise important subject is compromised by pandering to Stahovich by ZWOLINSKI which takes away from the credibility of the subject. 

There’s been a spirited, well actually a heated, discussion going on at Facebook and by email regarding our blog post that asks: Should parents drug test their teens?


When Zwolinski and crew did the interview with Steve Stahovich of Teensavers, a home drug-testing company, The assumption was made  that readers knew the authors weren’t suggesting that all or even most parents should randomly test children for no reason.


They were addressing those concerned parents who noticed signs that their kids might be using drugs but didn’t know that home drug-testing is an option that allows for privacy and protection. They were also talking to concerned parents who don’t buy the myth that it is unavoidable or even normal, for kids to experiment with drugs. And They were speaking to parents who do not believe it’s okay, or even harmless, for kids to use drugs “recreationally”.


The responses from readers were, to me and the colleagues I talked about this topic with, passionate. Perhaps They were most disappointed (though not surprised) by the Facebook comment that says using drugs 2 or 3 three times on a weekend (not sure if this was a one-weekend party or on subsequent weekends) was “normal” for teens.


It might be common, but that doesn’t make it normal. And the difference is serious. Many kids manage to live their lives without even trying drugs once. Many, sadly, don’t.


Some people believe that experimenting with drugs is simply something teens are going to do. This is fatalistic thinking.


First, education and prevention does work. (Not for everybody and not all the time, and only if done skillfully).


Second, until very recently, people all over the world, including the United States, believed that illicit drug use wasn’t a good thing. Now we’re saying since “everybody” does it They have to look the other way.


Remember when you used to want to do something and you argued that all your friends were doing it? Your mom had a great answer for that: “Well, if everybody was jumping off the roof should I say go ahead and do that too?”


I’ve worked with literally thousands of families on every side of this issue. I know that the myth that some forms of illicit drug use isn’t a big deal is the viewpoint that gets the most play. But it actually isn’t the most prevalent viewpoint.


Most parents do not believe using drugs (or alcohol) is a simple, safe rite of passage, even if they themselves tried drugs when they were young. Now that they are adults they recognize the physical and emotional dangers. Sure, not everyone who tries drugs ends up addicted. But addiction isn’t the only danger.


There are many stories. Here’s one: I recently listened to a mom, a teacher, tell her daughter that the reason why she doesn’t want her to smoke pot is because when she was in college she passed out smoking pot and woke up to find that she was being raped. By a fellow student.


Think this is an extreme example? It’s not. Every day at the treatment center where I work, They  hear how people were victimized, robbed, assaulted, and yes, even raped, because they were too high to defend themselves. Conversely, They work with parolees and prison groups, made up of men and women who committed crimes while high on drugs.


And in case you think this couldn’t happen in your nice neighborhood, you should know: Not all drug-related crimes happen in low socio-economic areas. I regularly volunteer to speak with kids-at-risk. Most of the neighborhoods where I speak are middle to upper-middle class. it seems to me the author is some what incensed regarding the number of negative replies. Having worked with so many parents I am not surprised at all.


In fact, my experience shows that many drug-related crimes are seriously under-reported when they occur in middle, upper-middle and even upper-class communities. Generally it’s because the victim and the perpetrator know each other or are even related. No one wants to turn in their neighbor’s kid, their own mom or husband, their best friend or members of their daughter’s lacrosse team.


If you don’t want to be convinced that even “flirting” with drug use is potentially hazardous, you won’t be convinced. What I can tell you is that the data tell a different story.


Part II, Coming Soon






Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC is the author of Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better, and Move On Without Wasting Time or Money and is an internationally licensed psychotherapist and addiction specialist with over 25 years experience as well as a consultant to organizations and companies in the fields of mental health and addiction.

What is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy
John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
Psychotherapy is a process focused on helping you heal and learn more constructive ways to deal with the problems or issues within your life. It can also be a supportive process when going through a difficult period or under increased stress, such as starting a new career or going through a divorce.


Generally psychotherapy is recommended whenever a person is grappling with a life, relationship or work issue or a specific mental health concern, and these issues or concerns are causing the individual a great deal of pain or upset for longer than a few days. There are exceptions to this general rule, but for the most part, there is no harm to going into therapy even if you’re not entirely certain you would benefit from it. Millions of people visit a psychotherapist every year, and most research shows that people who do so benefit from the interaction. Most therapists will also be honest with you if they believe you won’t benefit or in their opinion, don’t need psychotherapy.


Modern psychotherapy differs significantly from the Hollywood version. Typically, most people see their therapist once a week for 50 minutes. For medication-only appointments, sessions will be with a psychiatric nurse or psychiatrist and tend to last only 15 to 20 minutes. These medication appointments tend to be scheduled once per month or once every six weeks.


Psychotherapy is usually time-limited and focuses on specific goals you want to accomplish.
Most psychotherapy tends to focus on problem solving and is goal-oriented. That means at the onset of treatment, you and your therapist decide upon which specific changes you would like to make in your life. These goals will often be broken down into smaller attainable objectives and put into a formal treatment plan. Most psychotherapists today work on and focus on helping you to achieve those goals. This is done simply through talking and discussing techniques that the therapist can suggest that may help you better navigate those difficult areas within your life. Often psychotherapy will help teach people about their disorder, too, and suggest additional coping mechanisms that the person may find more effective.


Most psychotherapy today is short-term and lasts less than a year. Most common mental disorders can often be successfully treated in this time frame, often with a combination of psychotherapy and medications.


Psychotherapy is most successful when the individual enters therapy on their own and has a strong desire to change. If you don’t want to change, change will be slow in coming. Change means altering those aspects of your life that aren’t working for you any longer, or are contributing to your problems or ongoing issues. It is also best to keep an open mind while in psychotherapy, and be willing to try out new things that ordinarily you may not do. Psychotherapy is often about challenging one’s existing set of beliefs and often, one’s very self. It is most successful when a person is able and willing to try to do this in a safe and supportive environment.

Common Types of Psychotherapy
Behavior Therapy
Cognitive Therapy
Interpersonal Therapy
Psychodynamic Therapy
Family Therapy
Group Therapy
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about Psychotherapy
Understanding Different Approaches to Psychotherapy
Who should Seek Out Psychotherapy?

Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse

Any one sign doesn't mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:

• During a divorce
• Death of a family member or pet
• Problems at school or with friends
• Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events

Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent

• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Has a sudden change in eating habits
  • Refuses to eat
  • Loses or drastically increases appetite
  • Has trouble swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
• Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

     Signs more typical of younger children

• An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
  

  Signs more typical in adolescents

• Self-injury (cutting, burning)
• Inadequate personal hygiene
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Sexual promiscuity
• Running away from home
• Depression, anxiety
• Suicide attempts
• Fear of intimacy or closeness
• Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare.  If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor.   Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

• Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

What You Can Do If You See Warning Signs

• Create a Safety Plan. Don’t wait for “proof” of child sexual abuse.
• Look for patterns of behavior that make children less safe. Keep track of behaviors that concern you. This Sample Journal Page can be a helpful tool.
• See our Let’s Talk Guidebook for tips on speaking up whenever you have a concern.
• If you have questions or would like resources or guidance for responding to a specific situation, visit our Online Help Center,http://GetHelp.StopItNow.org.

Remember, the most effective prevention takes place before there’s a child victim to heal or an offender to punish.

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Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse by Stop It Now! is licensed under aCreative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.  For permissions beyond the scope of this license go towww.StopItNow.org/terms_of_use.

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Age-Appropriate Sexual Behavior

Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children

Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child

Signs That a Child or Teen May Be At-Risk to Harm Another Child

What is Considered Child Sexual Abuse?

Challenging Our Cognitive Distortions and Creating Positive Outlooks

By DONNA M. WHITE, MA, LMHC

In this time of mounting economic issues, financial burdens, and the stress of everyday life many of us find ourselves in a state of constant worry. Worrying is not a solution to problems, but rather a non-productive way of thinking. Many individuals often confuse worrying with planning; however planning produces actions while worrying produces more anxiety.
Worrying is often the result of our own cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are defined as exaggerated and irrational thoughts. By finding ways to challenge these thoughts, we often can decrease worrying. This article explores several common cognitive distortions and presents challenges to encourage ways to create a more positive outlook and lifestyle.

Challenge Common Cognitive Distortions

1. Diminishing the Positives
When we diminish the positives we come up with several reasons why the positive events in our lives don’t count. For example, one may say, “My proposal at the meeting went really well, but I just got lucky” or “I got a promotion on my job, but that’s because no one else wanted it”. Diminishing the positives steals the joy from our accomplishments and achievements.
THE CHALLENGE: Embrace the positives and take pride in accomplishments. Evaluate the thoughts and take away the negativity. Instead of terms such as “I got lucky”, believe “I was prepared” or “I worked really hard”. Increasing the positives will create a positive outlook and increase self-esteem.
2. Overgeneralization
Overgeneralization is defined as taking a single negative experience and expecting it to forever be true. An individual practicing this cognitive distortion may say “I didn’t have friends in middle school, I’ll never have friends in high school” or “I wasn’t able to pass the test, I’ll never pass any tests”.
THE CHALLENGE: We all have negative events that have taken place in our lives. Some of those events stay and hurt more than others. The challenge is to take those negative events and believe that we can create different outcomes in the future. Instead of stating “I wasn’t able to pass the test, I’ll never pass any”, say and believe “I didn’t pass that one, but I will work hard and pass the next”. Remember that a single negative experience doesn’t hold true forever. It may also be helpful to reflect on times where a single negative experience did not have the same long lasting outcome.
3. Filtering out the Positives
Focusing on the negatives and filtering out all of the positives is another example of a cognitive distortion. In this case an individual will focus on the one thing that went wrong instead of all the things that went right. For example, I once asked a client how things were going and the reply was “Awful”. When asked to elaborate the client went on to say “I studied last night, got up on time, made it to class, passed my test, ran into an old friend and had lunch, but I got a flat tire”. The client felt the day was “awful” because of the flat tire and wasn’t able to focus on the positives of the day.
THE CHALLENGE: FOCUS… FOCUS… FOCUS!!! Focus on all of the positives that happen. Review the events of the day or the moment, creating a game of positive vs. negative. If it is helpful you may want to write a list. Fold a piece of paper in half and write down all of the good things that have happened and a list of all of the bad things. This may seem challenging at times, but more often than not we will discover that the positive side wins. Sometimes writing it down creates just the visual we need to put things in perspective.
4. Making everything a Catastrophe
Often known as “catastrophizing”, this is when an individual expects the worst scenario to happen. For example and individual involved in this type of thinking may say “There’s a thirty minute delay in traffic, I’ll never get to work” or “the pilot said there is turbulence, we’re really going to crash”.
THE CHALLENGE: Think positive! Take the event for what it is and don’t make it anything other than that. If there is a delay in traffic, think rationally. Instead of thinking “I’m never going to get there”, think “I may be late, but I will get there”. In the meantime, focus on positive things you can do such as enjoying the scenery or listening to your favorite music. You may find that engaging in other positive thoughts decreases the amount of time there is for negative thinking.
5. Jumping to Conclusions
Jumping to conclusions is defined as making interpretations without actual evidence. In this case, the individual will often make those interpretations negative. One may claim, without cause, “I know my co-worker doesn’t like me because of the way he looks at me” or predict, “I just know I’m going to have a bad day”.
THE CHALLENGE: Think before you leap… to a conclusion that is. If you find yourself engaging in this type of thinking, take a step back and ask yourself “do I really know this to be true?” If the answer is “no”, then focus on the things that you know to be true. It is also important to remember not to negatively predict your future. If you are going to predict it, give it a positive ending. Instead of saying “I’m going to have a bad day”, say “today may have some obstacles, but I will overcome them and I will have a good day”.
6. All -or-Nothing Thinking
This distortion is described as thinking of things in absolute terms. “All-or-Nothing” thoughts often contain words like “never”, “always”, and “every”. For example, “I never get picked”, “I always make bad decisions” or “every time I try I fail”.
THE CHALLENGE: Don’t put yourself in the “never-always-every” box. These words are not only negative when used in this type of thinking, but can also be damaging to your self-esteem. Challenge yourself to think of times when these words were not true. Instead of “I always make bad decisions”, think of positive decisions that you have made. Remember, there are few situations that are absolute.
7. Labeling
An individual with this distortion labels themselves based on mistakes or shortcomings. They will often use negative language such as “I’m a failure, I’m a loser, or I will never be anything”.
THE CHALLENGE: For every negative, there is a positive. Many times after a disappointing moment or a failed attempt at something we label ourselves as “failures” or “stupid”. Challenge these negative thoughts by replacing them with positives. You may have failed at one attempt (or maybe even several), but it doesn’t make you a failure. Sometimes you may make a not-so-great decision, but it doesn’t make you stupid. Learn how to separate these and avoid those negative labels.
8. Personalization
Personalization involves assuming responsibility for things that are outside one’s control. For example, without having anything to do with a situation, one may say “it’s my fault my daughter had an accident” or “I’m the one to blame for his work being done incorrectly”.
THE CHALLENGE: Think logically! When we personalize things we take on the full responsibility. Carefully evaluate situations to really determine whether or not you have any responsibility for the outcome. Don’t place unnecessary blame on yourself for the actions and responsibilities of others.

* * *

Leo Buscaglia once said, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy”, this is important to remember. Take on the daily challenge of recognizing and changing these cognitive distortions. By changing our negative thinking, we may find ourselves worrying less and enjoying life more.

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Fixing Cognitive Distortions

By JOHN M. GROHOL, PSY.D.

Cognitive distortions have a way of playing havoc with our lives. If we let them. This kind of “stinkin’ thinkin’” can be “undone,” but it takes effort and lots of practice — every day. If you want to stop the irrational thinking, you can start by trying out the exercises below.
1. Identify Our Cognitive Distortion.
We need to create a list of our troublesome thoughts and examine them later for matches with a list of cognitive distortions. An examination of our cognitive distortions allows us to see which distortions we prefer. Additionally, this process will allow us to think about our problem or predicament in more natural and realistic ways.
2. Examine the Evidence.
A thorough examination of an experience allows us to identify the basis for our distorted thoughts. If we are quite self-critical, then, we should identify a number of experiences and situations where we had success.
3. Double Standard Method.
An alternative to “self-talk” that is harsh and demeaning is to talk to ourselves in the same compassionate and caring way that we would talk with a friend in a similar situation.
4. Thinking in Shades of Gray.
Instead of thinking about our problem or predicament in an either-or polarity, evaluate things on a scale of 0-100. When a plan or goal is not fully realized, think about and evaluate the experience as a partial success, again, on a scale of 0-100.
5. Survey Method.
We need to seek the opinions of others regarding whether our thoughts and attitudes are realistic. If we believe that our anxiety about an upcoming event is unwarranted, check with a few trusted friends or relatives.
6. Definitions.
What does it mean to define ourselves as “inferior,” “a loser,” “a fool,” or “abnormal.” An examination of these and other global labels likely will reveal that they more closely represent specific behaviors, or an identifiable behavior pattern instead of the total person.
7. Re-attribution.
Often, we automatically blame ourselves for the problems and predicaments we experience. Identify external factors and other individuals that contributed to the problem. Regardless of the degree of responsibility we assume, our energy is best utilized in the pursuit of resolutions to problems or identifying ways to cope with predicaments.
8. Cost-Benefit Analysis.
It is helpful to list the advantages and disadvantages of feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. A cost-benefit analysis will help us to ascertain what we are gaining from feeling bad, distorted thinking, and inappropriate behavior. Note: 1) clinical concept of secondary gain; and 2) refer to cost-benefit analysis.
Reference:
Burns, D.D. (1989). The feeling good handbook: Using the new moodtherapy in everyday life. New York: William Morrow.